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Published September 17, 2017

23 Ways Game Of Thrones Could End

So word is going around that the producers of Game of Thrones are filming multiple endings to the series to combat spoilers. I don’t know how many they’re planning to film, but they should be prepared to create some truly ridiculous homages to other series in order to throw everyone off the scent.

  1. Jon dies once again, but this time a burst of yellow energy regenerates his face into David Tennant’s. The new Jon Snow solves everyone’s problems with roguish cleverness.
  2. Jon defeats the Night King. Dany wraps herself in his arms, and they make out. Bob Saget’s voice talks over the carnage of the zombie war: “And that, kids, is how I met your mother.”
  3. Jon awakens from a dream, then greets Arya, Sansa, Theon, Rob, Bran, and Rickon right outside in bright, happy sunlight. The top spins, then wobbles. Cut to black.
  4. Dany and Jon drive away from Westeros in a flying car as the rest of the cast sings “Greased Lightning.”
  5. Arya, Sansa, Jon, Dany, Jamie, and the Hound stand around an empty apartment and reflect on all the good times they had as friends. The Hound later gets his own sitcom… which ends up doing okay.
  6. Jon defeats the Night King, but crash-lands one of Dany’s dragons in the middle of the sea. Alone on a deserted island for years, Jon is eventually rescued and returns to Westeros to find Dany shacking up with Jamie. He then delivers a FedEx box to some artist chick.
  7. Jon and Dany are sailing in a ship to Dragonstone, but accidentally hit an iceberg. 57 years later, Dany throws Jon’s sword into the sea as a heart-wrenching Celine Dion melody tells the audience that her heart will go on.
  8. The Hound and his team of ne’er-do-wells are sent to the front lines to retrieve Matt Damon from certain death, and he doesn’t even have the decency to thank them.
  9. Arya, Sansa, Dany, Brienne, and Yara transform into Sailor fukus and fight the zombie horde with moonbeams and the power of love.
  10. Bran wargs into his past self in two earlier time periods, causing a paradox that somehow leads to the birth of the White Walkers. Bran lets everyone die before the paradox is resolved. Q then appears and tells Bran that he “won the game,” and that all his friends and family are safe. Confused but alive, the main characters sit down for a game of poker.
  11. Bran sends the Hound’s mind into the past in an effort to defeat the White Walkers. Instead of landing inside his past self, however, Sandor Clegane finds himself inside the body of a 58-year-old blind woman with dementia. The Hound’s only recourse is to set right what once went wrong, and hope that his next leap will be the leap he gets to strangle the life out of his brother.
  12. Jon ends the threat of the White Walkers for good by lopping off the Night King’s head and gaining his power. Duncan Mcleod of the clan Mcleod arrives to challenge him for the right of the quickening.
  13. Dany looks up into the night sky and sees a giant space baby. The Night King, at a loss for words, gives up and goes home.
  14. After much suspicion, Dany finds a door in the middle of the sea. When she steps through it, she finds out that her entire world was just some made-up fantasy story, and the audience finds out the Emilia Clarke never really existed.
  15. After fighting through the Night King’s best soldiers, Dany sits down for a cup of tea with her arch-nemesis and they talk about Superman. Dany kills him with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique and reunites with the dragon she thought was dead.
  16. Arya escapes from the White Walker army by climbing The Wall. On the other side is a two-lane road. A polite police officer pulls over in his jeep and informs her it’s the year 2010. The officer offers to bring her to safety, but Arya instead returns to Winterfell and unmasks the Night King as her own father!
  17. Bran sends Gregor Clegane twenty years into the past to prevent the zombie war from taking place. While in the past, the Mountain is given the mission to protect young Jon Snow at all costs. To accomplish this, he wears rad sunglasses and deapans 90’s catchphrases.
  18. Jon is eating a sandwich. Suddenly Hot Pie walks in the door. Jon looks up. Cut to black.
  19. Jon discovers the cavern beneath his family’s catacombs. He investigates as a flock of bats flap and screech, seemingly in approval. Jon decides to take on the mantle of the bat to strike fear into the undead hordes, who as everyone knows are a superstitious, cowardly lot.
  20. After listening to a three-page monologue from Silent Bob, Jon decides that the only way he, Dany, and the Night King can reconcile their differences is by having a threesome. This just weirds out everyone.
  21. Samuel L. Jackson appears in an eyepatch, and rallies the main characters to fight like a team. He’s then promptly eaten by a shark.
  22. Jon dies again, but before he does, he passes the Matrix Of Leadership to Sansa. Sansa hesitates and accepts, but it isn’t long before Arya proves worthy and uses it to vaporize all the zombies while “You’ve Got The Touch” plays in the background.
  23. The Night King and his army arrive at the gates of King’s Landing, only to be arrested by British constables. They are mercilessly taunted by guards.

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  • Greg Trombley

    Greg

  • I'm an RDU-based novelist and passionate champion of scientific progression. Nature and science live side-by-side in my heart. I clean dinosaur bones in my spare time, and love reading about local history. All my articles.

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