Five Incredible Facts You Never Learned About Sir Walter Raleigh
Hello, my treasured readers! I’d like to take a few brief moments to educate you on our beloved city’s namesake; a true renaissance man, Sir Walter Raleigh.
If you’re a native of Raleigh, you no doubt learned about this great man in school. However, there are many things about him you may not know; plus, there are some commonly spread incorrect myths about him.
So come on a journey with me readers, and let me edify you on the TRUE history of our hero, Sir Walter Raleigh. Let’s begin!
Did you know…
- Sir Walter Raleigh was born in 1554.
- He is well known for popularizing tobacco in Britain.
- He was executed in 1618.
- He was born with antlers, a genetic defect that was remedied with surgery at the age of 2.
- Raleigh was well known for his unique voice, allegedly bearing an uncanny similarity to that of comedian Gilbert Gottfried.
- He was the great, great, great, great grandfather of Tony Danza.
- Raleigh once fought a panther with his bare hands, and vanquished it without so much as a scratch. This even was the inspiration for the song “The Final Countdown” by Europe. This event is also how our NFL team got its name.
- Raleigh was a huge inspiration to the Caribbean musicians The Baja Men. For Raleigh was, indeed, the one who let the dogs out.
- He was knighted because of his impressive skills at shredding rad guitar solos.
- Matthew McConaughey based his character in the film “Dazed and Confused” on Raleigh’s personality, going so far as to even use Raleigh’s popular catch phrase “Alright, Alright, Alright”.
- Raleigh once attended “Ye Olde Outback Steakhouse”, where his bloomin’ onion was burnt. The chef was never heard from again.
- Sir Walter Raleigh released four rap albums under the stage name “Sir Walter Rillah the Rhyme Killah”.
- In a duel with the evil Lord Balthazar Squizzlebottom, Squizzlebottom fired his pistol directly into Raleigh’s face, but Raleigh caught the bullet in his teeth. In desperation, Squizzlebottom threw his pistol at Raleigh, which bounced off of him harmlessly.
Squizzlebottom attempted to fire another shot, but was unable to aim due to all the women swooning around Raleigh. (Bonus fun fact: it’s very annoying to type “Squizzlebottom” four times quickly.)
- Sir Walter Raleigh was one of Bebe’s Kids. To this day, his tombstone reads “We don’t die, we multiply”.
- He could communicate telepathically with sea creatures, and was the inspiration for Aquaman.
- Raleigh had a pet giraffe named Jeff, and a pet proboscis monkey named Allen. The two were bitter enemies.
- The Sir Walter Raleigh statue at the convention center in downtown Raleigh is filled with chocolate and rich, creamy nougat.
- Sir Walter had a brief stint in Rush, filling in for Neal Pert on drums.
- Raleigh once wrestled George Washington over a bowl of potato chips. He let Washington win because he was trying to watch his figure.
- He had a dog named Fur Walter Raleigh. Here he is in all of his majesty.
- Sir Walter was ranked top player in a ranked match of Call of Duty.
- He taught Tony Hawk how to skateboard.
- You know those shoes that have wheels in the bottom? You guessed it, Raleigh’s idea.
- He had an enormous steed that was prone to violent outbursts named Pain. Pain also granted wishes.
- In his spare time, Sir Walter Raleigh liked to snap the booty.
- Sir Walter was very insecure about his ankles. Lord Archibald Thomas, Duke of Englandshire, once mentioned Raleigh’s ankles. Raleigh had him excommunicated from the church and banished to Siberia. Raleigh also allegedly called Thomas’s children “ugly”.
- Raleigh was also noted as being able to predict the future, much like Nostradamus. He was quoted as saying “One day, in the distant future, people will wear odd shoes with holes in them. These shoes will be named after a reptile, and will look silly.”
- He invented the Thigh Master.
- His favorite food was orange Tic Tacs.
- He had a jewel embedded in his tummy like a treasure troll.
- Raleigh was the guy that said “You’ve got mail” for America Online.
- He was also the one that sent you thirty AOL discs a week.
- Of all of Raleigh’s achievements, his greatest was having a car dealership named after him.
- Most think that Raleigh’s last words were “Strike, man, strike!” to his executioner. However, in reality, his final words were “WU TANG!”. This was shortly after his failed attempt to get the crowd gathered to see his execution to put their hands in the air and wave them like they just didn’t care.
- He never lost a single game of Jenga.
- He created the Konami code.
- Raleigh coined the term “Sea biscuit,” which he used to describe how he and his sailors would hang their butts over the side of the ship and relieve themselves during long ocean voyages. This is also the origin of the name of the famous race horse.
- Many think that Sir Walter’s statue has a cloak draped over his shoulder because of the legend that he once placed his cloak over a puddle so that the queen wouldn’t have to walk through it.
In reality, it is because Raleigh kept a damp cloak with him everywhere he went, which he used to roll up and whip people to get them out of his way. Legend has it some local villagers grew tired of being snapped by the cloak, and gathered around Raleigh to snap him back. There were no survivors.
- Raleigh challenged James Hayward to a duel. Since Hayward was challenged, he had the honor of selecting the weapons used. Oddly enough, Hayward chose throwing rocks. It was later revealed that Hayward was only seven years old.
- At the age of 20, Raleigh discovered he had an evil twin, Sir Bartleby Raleigh. Sir Walter had no choice but to fight him to the death, and they both ventured into the forest to do battle. One Raleigh emerged, but to this day, no one knows which one…
I’d like to thank Jack for contributing some of these fun facts, as well as you for your time reading them. I hope you learned something new about our city’s idol, and that you have a great April Fool’s Day!