Pneumonia is Fun — 10 New Perspectives on this Age-Old Downer of a Disease
I‘ve spent the majority of this past week in bed, coughing and complaining and wondering what horrible karmic build-up must have collected in my lungs to cause such a curse. Finally, I broke down and went to the emergency room last night. True Fact: Pneumonia.
Ah, the diagnosis will set you free!
Here are ten glorious reasons why I’m flying high on my precious pneumonia.
First off, my doctor bestowed upon me a magic scroll with the incantation: DOCTOR-ORDERED BED REST. Granted, being stuck in bed isn’t the most exciting way to spend a day off, but it is a fantastic way to catch up on all your favorite books, TV shows, and blogs without feeling any guilt whatsoever. Your boss can’t be angry with you. Your boyfriend can’t be upset at you for forgetting to do the dishes. Hey, doctor said I have to stay in bed. I’m not allowed to come into work today. Instead, the higher authorities have decreed that for the good of all humanity I just sit in bed and relax. Awesome.
Two. Ab’s of steel!
As it turns out, one of pneumonia’s most excellent symptoms is coughing fits that can be likened to an hour long “Biggest Loser Core Strengthening and Ab Work Out.” Without ever leaving your bed, you will develop the six-pack of your dreams. Plus, this disease happens to cause a major loss in appetite. I’ve averaged about two crackers a day for the past two days. Between that and the ab work, I’m going to a super model by the time I’m able to leave my bed again.
Three. Relationship building!
Could pneumonia be good for your love life? Absolutely! My boyfriend has been the sweetest, most devout dreamguy a girl could ever want. We play whatever video games I want to play, watch the TV shows I want, and he delivers food and massages and cuddles as needed. He even got off work early to come take care of me. There’s all the love, consideration, and concern brewing together to make the perfect prescription strength love potion. Who needs antibiotics?
Four. Special deliveries!
Since a happy pneumonia patient has no appetite, but still direly needs caloric intake, any sudden yearning for food must be handled promptly! I had a brief window of craving cherries and cinnamon toast crunch. I can’t leave my bed. A phone call to any number of parties will see that food magically delivered to my door. Thanks, fantastical genie friends!
Your lungs seriously sound like they are filled with poprocks, or like somebody’s brewing a big bowl of rice krispies “Snap, Crackle, and Pop” cereal in your lungs. And, let’s be real, who doesn’t want their lungs filled with delicious candy?
To put that auditory analogy another way, it’s like listening to a free dubstep concert all night. Free dubstep!
Seven. Spare time!
No work. Can’t leave your bed. Well, at least you’ll finally have time to catch up on your blog.
Eight. Social interaction!
The magical Rx scroll also summons old friends, who light your cell screen and message box with well-wishes and happy thoughts. That’s right, drama queens, nothing brings the attention like pneumonia. I mean, hello, everyone remembers Little Women. There’s just something rooted into mankind’s subconscious that causes them to flinch at the sound of the word “pneumonia.” And, honestly, it is nice to know you’re being thought of and being cared about by your friends.
Nine. Cutting it short!
I don’t even need to come up with ten reasons because I’m tired now, and that’s totally forgivable because, hey, I have pneumonia. And since you have time to read this blog, odds are that you’re probably sick, too. In fact, I bet the only reason you’re reading this blog right now is because you, too, are stuck in bed with pneumonia and have literally run out of interesting things to do except google “Pneumonia.” So go on.