The Best And Worst Places In Raleigh To Go During a Zombie Apocalypse
Scenario: You’re chilling around NC State in downtown Raleigh, hanging out with some friends on Hillsborough Street. One of your friends asks the question on everyone’s mind: Hey, guys! What would we do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse right now?
Don’t judge. You know you’ve thought about it. Most people have a Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan. But remember, there are lots of things to worry about besides zombies in case of an outbreak. In the aftermath of civilization crumbling, they’ll be gangs of outlaws looking to pillage, starvation and supply shortages to content with, and the possibility of the military just flat out nuking Raleigh to ensure the death of all zombies. Consider all these problematic scenarios, here’s a rating scale of the best and worst places in Raleigh to gather supplies, run, hide, and drink coffee during the brain-eating end-times.
When I first asked people for ideas, a friend of mine excitedly exclaimed, “Moore Square would be perfect!” I’m not sure what she was thinking. If you go to Moore Square, you’re asking to become a zombie. It’s in the middle of downtown. The population is high. There’s no place to take cover. It has a lot of trash around. Unless you plan to shimmy to the top of the Acorn and pick zombies off with your BB gun, I think anyone in Moore Square is pretty much screwed. However, there would be lots of soup kitchen people out there to distract the undead with soup. Maybe they’ll be martyrs for you. Volunteers are self-sacrificial that way.
Zombie Safety Rating: 4 of 10
Crabtree Valley Mall
You’re in the middle of a valley. If the zombies all start rolling downhill like an avalanche, your brains are going to be ladled out at the Moore Square zombie soup kitchen for hungry undead. Fortunately, the mall itself has two levels and locked doors. There’s lots of food and supplies and stylish clothes to wear, so you can die pretty. Sadly, you’re likely to re-enact Dawn of the Dead, due to high population density and the likelihood that at least one of your companions is hiding an infected zombie bite and will turn on you in a matter of minutes. Still, if you can gather supplies quick (I hear Wet Seal is having a sale!) and high-tail it to the roof to wait for a military helicopter, you might stand a chance–unless the military plans to use nuclear bombs to “quarantine” the virus.
Zombie Safety Rating – 6 of 10
Cameron Village Underground
In case of nuclear fallout, the Village Subway would be one of your safest bets. Plus it’s closely connected to an area with underground tunnels that may take you through out Raleigh, according to certain legends. Plus, there are scary annelid worms under Raleigh that disgust and frighten even zombies. There are lots of food places and supply shops around. You’re safe from any military attempts to destroy Raleigh, and since most people don’t even know the Subway exists, you’re pretty safe from random scavenging groups of people once civilization falls. Downside: You’re also underground, and since most zombies can go down stairs–even if they have trouble climbing them–you’re not in a very protected environment.
Zombie Safety Rating: 5 of 10
Swanky high rise apartments in the heart of downtown. Most zombie movies work from the theory that the undead are too stupid to climb or open doors. If that’s the case, being at the top floor of a multi-level building with locked doors and elevators would be pretty cozy! But if the zombies somehow mutated and develop intelligence, you’re probably screwed. Plus, there’s no food nearby, so you’d have to venture out into the city to find supplies.
Zombie Safety Rating: 4 of 10
These seen like a good bet to me, honestly. The Capitol building has nifty underground tunnel system for preservation of government officials. Safely in this secret tunnels, you could taxi all over the city, squirrel some food in your backpack, then sneak back to your governmental fortress. Nuclear bombs? You’re safe and sound underground. There are lots of hidden rooms, so you’ll never be found. Plus, the rumors of the Capitol ghosts might scare the zombies away.
If the Legislative building is more your style, you’ll be highly guarded by Moral Monday protestors, so just make a “We hate Zombies!” sign and yell with the crowd. Watch first-hand as your government crumbles before your eyes, then rise as the new leader from within the hollowed out places where our government once thrived. Democrat? Republican? It won’t matter! The new parties will be “Alive” and “Undead.”
Zombie Safety Rating: 8 of 10
The Annual Zombie Walk
If it’s October, you can always run downtown and hide in the annual Zombie Walk of Raleigh! According to the canon of Shaun of the Dead, zombies can be easily tricked! Pretend to be a zombie in a crowd of hundreds, and maybe you can all just shamble out of town without being noticed. Plus, there are always at least five Shaun’s and ten Bruce Campbell’s to help protect you. Everyone wants to be a hero. Bring your chainsaw!
Zombie Safety Rating: 7 of 10.
Some of you are just tough guys who have no problem leaving town and taking to the woods to escape the madness of crumbling civilization. If you can hunt bunnies and make fires, your best bet may be to just climb a tree and Katniss your way through the entire apocalypse. Since Umstead Park is the largest expanse of wild, unbridled nature in Raleigh, you could always take to the underbrush and camp until the zombies all start rotting away in the humid North Carolina summer air. Good luck!
Zombie Safety Rating: 6 of 10
That Christmas Tree over the Belt-line
Has anybody else seen that little Christmas tree made out of holiday lights that dangles over the belt-line near Six Forks Road? It can be seen year-round, and I’ve admired and speculated over it for years.
Seriously, if just one crazy guy would do a one-arm hang from that tree, wearing a Santa hat, and pop off zombies with a semi-automatic, I think we’d all be saved.
Zombie Safety Rating: 10 of 10